Guilt Can Kill
by Ryane-Foxx
Summary: Losing a part of yourself can skew the way we think. Sometimes asking someone who has lost a part of themselves too can help; even more so when you both are connected in ways that are so important even when you don't see it. ANGST! Character Death! Mentions of Attempted Suicide/Attempted Suicide! M/M


_Hey everyone! :( I know you're all wondering where the next chapter to HoL is and I'm so sorry it isn't up yet! Real life has become a hassle and impacted my ability to write as of late. The next chapter is almost complete but I can't seem to top it off right, but now that I've gotten this little piece out; I'm hoping the next chapter will come right after. **For my readers who follow Happenings of Love, after this update this weekend; I am unsure when the next update will be.** I attend school for Massage Therapy and my graduation is coming up in the next three months so I've becoming busier and busier everyday. I promise to do my best though, I never give up on a story._

_This piece right here is very depressing! I've been pretty sad myself, and I just needed to get it out; not sure why but this suddenly just poured out of me! 14 hand written pages, 7 typed in all it's angsty glory. Please review, and if you don't like it, well oh well. All mistakes are my own._

_Warnings: Angst, Mentions of M/M sex, Mentions of Attempted Suicide, Character Death, Attempted Suicide, Twisted Hurt/Comfort with a little sprinkle of fluff if you squint._

_Disclaimer: I do not own FullMetal Alchemist of its characters; nor do I make profit from writing this. All rights go to the respected creators._

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The darkness of the room seemed to seep into the bodies that were sprawled out upon the king-sized bed. The space between them seemed to echo a different tune than when they had been wrapped around each other so close that you could not decipher where one began and the other ended. The sheets and blankets had been knocked to the floor in their haste to touch and taste one another. Completely naked, their souls were now as bared in the open just as much as their flesh. It wasn't the first time they'd ended up in bed together, it happened every time he came back from a mission. Out of all the times they'd done this, this was the first time they'd stayed in company after it was all out of their system; whatever that was they'd yet to figure it out. They shuffling movement from the smaller body echoed loudly in the silence of the room. Now facing the window, he hugged his legs to his chest; the clinking of metal even louder than his original movement. Utter silence once again filled the air, it beginning to border more on awkward than calming as it once had.

"Are you alright, FullMetal?" It left a bitter taste in the back of his throat to know how quickly he was put back into his role as subordinate.

"Fine," was the mumbled reply, tightening his arms and causing his body to curl tighter within itself. The older man watched from the corner of his eyes, unsure what to say. He still wasn't completely sure why he'd agreed to the arrangement between them. It was a good way to forget, for him, but he still had no idea why the petite male beside him chose it as well. After one of the more messy missions, tempers had exploded and before he knew exactly what he'd been thinking he had the younger male bent over his desk; taking all of him. It hadn't stopped. For some time it had just been quick fucks at the office, getting off right after a report; not to see him again until he was to depart on another mission. Before he knew it he was having him in his own home, his own bed; but it was always the same – separating once they were done. Except for this time. It just wasn't the same and if the dark-haired man was being honest with himself; he wanted to know why.

"Is that why you almost did it?" The sudden words penetrated his thinking; making him turn his head to stare at the dark silhouette of the smaller male.

"I'm sorry?"

"Hughes…told me, about what happened after Ishbal. How you almost ended your life, a gun to the head, he said. The guilt of your actions, is that why you almost did it?" Immediately becoming tense at his avoided past, he turned his whole body to face the direction as his bed partner.

"There were a lot of things I had done that spurred my actions that fatal day. I could lie and say the war had nothing to do with it but that would be, well a lie. Why are you asking me this, FullMetal?" He had a feeling of severe unease building in his stomach; slowly piecing things together he should have noticed sooner. The mission had run over so it was a surprise when FullMetal had shown up at his door unannounced. It wasn't the first time he'd run behind on a mission and shown up but, it was a surprise for him to show up without word. He'd even come over night after night all weekend, something of a surprise only because he assumed the other would want to rest after his two-month long mission. He hadn't asked about the mission itself only because it wasn't required of him until the next week. What was surprising is how desperate the smaller male had seemed the moment he touched him. How he became more and more desperate with every kiss, every stroke, and every thrust. Now him questioning of his depression….was he depressed?

"Is that what guilt does to you? Does it just keep eating you alive, reminding you with every breath you take of what you did? What you could have done, but you weren't able to…do those feelings take over everything about yourself until you can't find a single thing left worth living for?" The hollow desperate urge in the questions started a large wave of panic to build his stomach.

"FullMetal, what exactly are you trying to figure out? What have you so riddled with guilt? Is it your position in the military again?" The bitter laugh and clinking of metal made him flinch slightly as the smaller male rose from the bed; slowly gathering his clothes and donning them almost robotically.

"FullMetal…?"

"Colonel, does that guilt ever really go away?" Sitting upright, he leaned forward to pay closer detail to the tightness in FullMetal's shoulders.

"Colonel Mustang, does it?" A deep sigh left him and he shook his head; eyes closing.

"No, no it doesn't." When he looked up from his lap and opened his eyes, FullMetal was gone and he was left wondering exactly what happened on the mission.

-_-_-_-FMA-_-_-_-

Mustang stared in horror at the mission report before him. He couldn't even make it past the one paragraph mid-way through. It froze him in shock and dismay.

_ The attack happened on the 58__th__ day in the evening. We were exhausted, and had been seeking information from town members earlier, making us highly unprepared. A total of 10 men entered the warehouse, all armed and trained in alchemy. An attack from behind injured my side badly enough that it enabled me to reach out and assist Alphonse Elric who was unfairly challenged and killed. There were no survivors other than myself; all bodies were disposed of accordingly._

The dreadfulness of Edward's words truly sunk in and he quickly rose from his desk before rushing out the door.

"Lieutenant Hawkeye." When he received no immediate answer, he lost his barely held patience.

"Lieutenant Hawkeye!" He yelled; face red as he slammed his fist against the door frame. She quickly entered the room, saluting him and apologized for her slow approach at his command.

"Have you seen FullMetal this morning?"

"No sir. Havoc mentioned him dropping in to leave his report on your desk before heading out." With a curse, he slammed the written out mission in her hands before quickly heading to the door.

"Sir? Sir!" Looking down to the open page, she froze in terror and couldn't stop the tears the slid down her face.

-_-_-_-FMA-_-_-_-

Quickly making his way up the steps, he banged heavily on the door.

"FullMetal! FullMetal, open this door right now!" The feeling of dread seemed to creep up on him quicker and quicker as he called out for the younger male. Busting the door in, he quickly rushed into the bedroom where he froze in the doorway. FullMetal was kneeling on the floor with a gun facing him, eyes hollow with Alphonses' helmet set before him.

"FullMetal…"

"How can I ever live with the guilt of knowing I let him down? That he died – He. Died – without his body, without warning…without hope…" His voice cracked at the end, gun shaking in his hold.

"You learn to live with it. You know better than anyone that Al would have wanted you to live. He wouldn't want you to be like this, to do **this**." He gestured carefully to the gun aimed at the petite males head by his own hand.

"He's gone! My baby brother is gone, and it's my entire fault! It's my fault he lost his body, and it's my fault he lost his life! I have nothing!" The tears had finally broke and Mustang wondered if this was the only other time since Al's death that the broken male allowed himself the release.

"You have me." Before he could stop himself or try to lie, he realized it was true. FullMetal looked up in shock, gun still aimed at his head but lower than before.

"W-w-what?" He croaked eyes wide.

"You have me. You've had me from day one and ever since then you've worked yourself deeper and deeper inside me that it would be next to impossible for you to get rid of me." He took two small steps forward, starting at all the rapid, confused, and elated emotions flying across the tear-stained face.

"How…? W-why?" He knew the questions were aimed not only at the past, but to the recent development their friendship had turned too.

"You are one of the bravest, most giving people I know. You love deeply, and protect those you love with everything you are. I am blessed to have your friendship, and more than blessed to have anything else you give me." As he spoke, he realized he meant every word and was internally damning himself for not saying it sooner. The pure affection he saw in the eyes clouded with despair filled his chest with heat.

"You…you care about me? You want…me?" Moments like this reminded him and showed him how truly young and broken FullMetal was.

"I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it; whether you had a gun to your head or not. Just because Al is gone, doesn't mean you are; just that a piece of you is. You can live for him and deep down you know that's exactly what he would want. So what do you say, Ed? I'm gonna be here, no matter what." Ed's grip on the gun tightened, his body still shaking at the overload of emotions. He'd lost something that couldn't be replaced but he'd gained something as well; hadn't he?

"Roy…" He bit out, hands shaking harder. The older man felt his breath catch at his name coming from the younger male; only having the pleasure of hearing it during their intimate moments. Moving slow and steady, Roy kneeled before him; placing his hand atop Ed's that still gripped the gun tight. With a deep, shaky breath; he loosened his hold and allowed Roy to remove it from his hand. Flicking the safety, he placed it off to the side where it couldn't be reached anymore. He was momentarily shocked once more when suddenly Ed pressed his body up against his own; shaking hard enough to move his own body. Wrapping his arms tightly around Ed, he pressed his face in the long dirty-blond locks.

"Take me home." He croaked out brokenly, and Roy rose to his feet; Ed cradled securely in his arms to do just as he was asked.

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_There we go, like I said; angsty :( Ugh, normally hate writing stuff like this but my muse decided it to be done. Let me know what you think, and it everyone is truly broken over it; I might just write a special little sequel...? ;) -R.L._


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